


Emotions

by yourladyofsorrows



Category: Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys - My Chemical Romance (Album), My Chemical Romance
Genre: Fluff, M/M, frank is the sunshine that comforts him, gerard is a slightly depressed soul
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:46:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28352640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yourladyofsorrows/pseuds/yourladyofsorrows
Summary: Party Poison's not used to emotions. Sure, Gerard may be, but this is Party Poison. Leader of the famed Killjoys, the one who leads the rebellion against BL/IND. He's supposed to be strong for everyone. He's the one everyone looks up to for guidance. The one who tends to them when they're hurt; the one who lets them lean on him when they need to.But he's never stopped to consider that he's human too.
Relationships: Frank Iero/Gerard Way, Fun Ghoul/Party Poison
Kudos: 16





	Emotions

**Author's Note:**

> Depression really manifests well into writing, huh?

Party Poison's not used to emotions.

Sure, Gerard may be, but this is Party Poison. Leader of the famed Killjoys, the one who leads the rebellion against BL/IND. He's supposed to be strong for everyone. He's the one everyone looks up to for guidance. The one who tends to them when they're hurt; the one who lets them lean on him when they need to.

But he's never stopped to consider that he's human too.  
Until now, when he's sitting all alone on the roof of the diner that overlooks the dusky skyline of Zone 6.

He takes a look at his hands. Grimy, they're littered with small cuts from yesterday, when The Girl accidentally bumped into him and he made sure she wasn't the one who fell on the ground. He smiles at the memory of her relieved face and hasty apologies, scared that her leader would yell at her for being so clumsy. She's an innocent thing; pure for this cruel world that has become worse than the life he lead all those years ago, as Gerard. But he's never going to get it back. His memories have faded to the extent where he can only remember fragments of what transpired.

He doesn't mind, actually. He'd rather focus on his present than be stuck in the past and reminisce about things he can no longer have.

He turns his hand to study the band of blue beads loosely wrapped around his wrist. They're nothing fancy. Blue tinted plastic globes moulded on a wire to the size of his wrist and yet it's so loose for him. They rattle when he moves his hand, the sound comforting him a bit.

But then it's just him and the wind blowing calmly.

He can't place the feeling. It's a hollow tornado in the centre of his body, sucking in towards itself every strand of happiness he has, leaving him with nothing but a feeling of wanting to collapse in on himself. He can't predict when it's going to strike him and can't stop it either. All he can do is let it consume him, wreck him inside out, break him from the inside, letting go of him till he's better. And then it strikes again.

It's a vicious cycle.

He's tried telling himself it's not his fault - maybe it's just something that happens to people when they don't expect it. But he can't convince himself of it anymore, not after they almost lost The Girl to the Scarecrows on just her second raid. Not after he watched Korse cut Frank's face with a knife, letting blood drip out slowly to the ground while he pinned him under his boot as Gerard lay helplessly on the ground. Definitely not after Jet lost his vision in one eye - his screams still keep Poison up at night, and he desperately wishes he could do anything to have Jet's vision restored.

He's not even sure he's a good leader anymore.

Why do they look up to him so much when he can't even take care of himself, much less take care of them?

And on top of that lay his feelings for Fun Ghoul. Gerard may not remember everything from before the apocalypse befell them, but he knows he's been in love with Frank for a long while, and even after he became Fun Ghoul.

Watching him from afar does nothing to heal his broken heart. Party's not sure what broke it - he's never been with anyone. As far as he knows, Frank hasn't been with anyone either in all these years.

So why does his heart feel that way even though nothing happened?

He startles at the sound of a pebble skittering across the driveway. Looking down, he sees no one. Sighing, he stands up on his feet, taking in the scene spread out below him. The road leading out to the warehouse that they raid is empty today, bless their luck. He notices The Girl running around in her corner of the backyard, throwing pebbles at cans and knocking them down. That explains the sound he heard.

A high pitched giggle interrupts his thoughts. _Frank._

He carefully climbs his way down the roof and to the ground, dusting his hands off on his jeans. The car is missing from the driveway. It's Jet's turn to meet Doctor D this week.

Frank and The Girl are playing with some empty cans she discovered while trying to dig a hole in the ground last week. They're empty Power Pups that have gone rusty, littered with holes. Apparently Kobra had practised with them to such an extent that they were no longer usable, so he'd buried them. The Girl's now trying to knock them off the small stone wall they're placed on, with her pebbles.

Frank's on his knees next to her, concentrating and measuring the distance between himself and the leftmost can. With a careful flick of his wrist, the stone flies out and topples the can to the ground with a dull clunk. He grins, his hands going up in the air. The Girl giggles and claps and proceeds to pick up a stone for herself.

Poison decides he doesn't want to interrupt the moment. He stands a little behind them, boots scuffing against the dusty ground. The Girl mimics Frank, carefully measuring the distance between herself and the can. Drawing back her hand, she chucks the stone forward.

Poison watches with a baited breath as it soars through the air, hurtling straight, till it hits the can and makes it fall to the ground.

"You did it!" Frank hollers, clapping his hands and picking her up by the waist. She squeals and buries her face in his neck, holding on as he swings her round and round.

Poison can't help himself. A strangled breath escapes his lips, followed by another.

Is this what it feels like to be happy?

Frank puts The Girl down to notice Poison — Gerard — crying behind them. He nearly curses but stays put. "Hey baby," he turns to The Girl, "do you think you could go inside and stay with Kobra till I come back? I think I need to talk to Poison for a while. That okay?" He ruffles her hair and she nods without a question, her small legs carrying her inside the diner where Kobra is sat polishing his gun.

Poison is suddenly aware of Frank walking towards him. He hastily tries stifling his tears and wiping them off his face even though he knows it's doing nothing.

"Pois," Frank whispers, fastening a hand on Gerard’s shoulder, "come on. We're going for a walk." Gerard gulps and nods. Frank unhesitatingly takes his hand and leads him out of the diner’s backyard and onto the road that stretches ahead of them for miles.

They walk in silence. Poison tries to get his breathing under control while Frank says nothing. He's looking at the setting sun, which is particularly beautiful this evening. It's like half a coin of gold on the horizon, glowing with shades of red and yellow Gerard wishes he could draw with.

"What's the matter, Poison?" Frank asks softly. Their hands are still connected, Frank swinging them slowly like a child would.

Gerard scrubs at his face with his right hand and takes a shaky breath. "Know that feeling when you feel you're not enough?"

Frank frowns. "Is— no, I can't say I do."

"Yeah. I'm feeling it."

"Has anything happened to you to make you feel like that?" Gerard feels Frank's thumb rub against the back of his hand.

His head droops. "It's been happening for a while now," he says, so quiet that he feels he's the only one who hears it.

"Wanna tell me? Split the misery?" Gerard looks into Frank's sparkling eyes and feels a rush of warmth flow through his body, making every end of his body tingle. He nods and Frank grips his hand tighter.

Gerard vaguely recognizes where they're walking. There's empty, barren land on either side of him for miles and miles ahead, but he's not focusing on that. He's surprised by how jumpy his heart feels when he's this close to Frank.

He tries to put his feelings into words.

"Do you think I'm a failure?" He winces immediately, wishing he could have said something else. But it wouldn't matter. All roads would lead to self–doubt, eventually.

Frank stops in his tracks. "Is this what this is about?"

"Is what— what?"

Frank turns around, hand still in Gerard's grip. "Does this have something to do with why you haven't been...yourself, lately?"

It is. But Gerard doesn't want to say it out loud, because he's Poison. Gerard was left behind in the City a long time ago, a broken boy who thought there was no escape from the reality he was living in. He's Party Poison now. The hero everyone hails him for being.

Despite lying to himself for so long, he knows that the boy still lives inside him, scared for his future, scared about not doing his best.

"Poison," Frank murmurs, almost like a sacred whisper. "Let it out. C'mere," he takes his hand out of Gerard's and pulls him in by his shoulders, tucking Gerard's head into the crook of his neck.

The last thread holding Gerard together snaps, and he starts crying into Frank's shoulder.

"I got you," Frank murmurs, gently stroking the hair at the nape of Gerard's neck, straightening the tangled locks.

Gerard feels relaxed for the first time in ages. It's like a weight has been lifted from the bottom of his stomach, cast out by his tears. He feels better already. His arms are loosely slung around Frank's waist.

He comes to his senses and shakes his head, moving away from Frank's embrace and taking a step or two back. Frank looks a bit hurt. Gerard swallows down his apology. He's Poison. He's Party–

"Stop it," Frank says, focused at the space between Gerard's eyebrows. "Stop." His eyes travel down to meet Gerard's.

"What?"

"You're thinking too hard. It's affecting you, and I don't want you to be hurt. Why don't you tell me what's wrong?"

Gerard scuffs his boot against the gravel road. On one hand, he does want to tell Frank everything. He wants to open up to him, bare himself to the man he loves and have nothing between them. But at the same time, he can't.

Because he's–

"Shut up!" He yells to the sky, staggering backwards and stumbling to the ground, one of the wounds on his palm reopening. "Shut the fuck up!"  
Frank is alarmed but moves fast. "Poison! What—" he gasps as he sees Gerard's bloody hand.

Gerard holds his hands out, shielding himself from Frank.

He's tired of hiding who he is. He needs to let it out, or it's going to eat him up. And he can't think of a better person to tell this to.

“God, Pois,” Frank shakes his head and gets down to his knees, unwrapping his bandanna from where it rests on his arm. He wipes the cut on Gerard’s palm, grimacing as it stains the cloth deeply. Injuries in the Zones aren’t welcome at all, and it certainly doesn’t help that Gerard’s injured the very hand he uses to hold a gun.

Gerard watches as Frank gently tends to his hand, tying the cloth firmly yet gently to make sure it stays safe till they get back.

"Frank," he rasps, looking up to meet his concerned eyes, "I want to tell you something. Do you promise not to— not to laugh, or tell anyone?"

"Cross my heart," Frank swears, settling down in front of Gerard.

It's so pathetic he can almost laugh. Gerard doesn't know how he's found himself in this predicament — two killjoys sitting alone in the middle of a road that may have Dracs patrolling anytime now — but he's not complaining. He needs this for himself.

He needs Frank for himself.

Frank rests a hand on his knee. "So?" He prompts.

Gerard takes a deep breath. When he opens his mouth to speak, the words come tumbling out like they were meant to be out in the open all along.

"I'm— I'm not okay," he blurts out. "I don't know what to do, Frankie. It's eating me up from the inside."

"What is?"

Frank wants him to pinpoint his problem so he can begin to solve it himself. That's the Frank he's always known.

"Sometimes, I feel like I'm not... not enough. No matter how hard I try to keep us alive, it's... I feel like I'm not the best at this."

Frank studies his face. "It's not exactly that, is it? You've never doubted your position as our leader and we never had a reason to. It's something else that's hurting you."

Gerard's heart flutters at how well Frank knows him, how much he trusts him.

He takes a deep breath, choosing his words carefully.

It's always been different around Frank. Different in a way that's not like it is with Mikey. He always finds himself shy and guarded when Frank's there.

"I..." What should he even say? Find myself breaking? Feel like giving everything up because I feel tired sometimes? "I don't feel my best at times," he hedges, licking his lips. "Sometimes... it feels like I'm trapped in my own body, with no escape. It feels like I'm locked up in a cell, and I'm also the one looking at myself through the bars, helpless, unable to do anything but stare and bear my pain." Gerard winces at his poetic words, unable to get them out any other way. "I... sometimes I wish I had something to lean on too," he says sadly, voice tamped down to a whisper.

"But-" Frank's incredulous. "You- you have us, don't you? All of us."

Gerard nods slowly, coming to terms with the fact that yes, he does have the four of them.

He loves them dearly, and would do anything to keep them running, even if it came at the cost of his own life. But sometimes he wonders if they too were willing to do the same for him.

He squeezes his eyes shut. It's a selfish thought — they're blood brothers, after all. The Girl is their sister, and together, they're family — something Gerard left behind years ago, not even daring to hope for one ever again. Of course they would do the same for him.

Today, he has all he wants by his side.

So the least he can do is confide in his family.

"I haven't ever told this to anyone," he says, meeting Frank's eyes, "and I didn’t think I would. But…I guess you deserve to know this. All of you.” Frank nods his head and he continues.

"Sometimes, I'm not me. Like, I know it's me, but at the same time, I can't control who I am. It's... it's like there's two parts of me. One of them is Party Poison. The asshole you see every day, barking orders and leading the group. When I'm him, I'm invincible. I have you all by my side, ready to fight the world if it ever came to that. I've been Poison for as long as I can remember."

"You're not an asshole," Frank interjects. Gerard smiles sadly at him and braces himself.

"The other part of me. It's— he's just a boy. A young, small, lonely boy with no one but his brother, scared of everything and everyone. They have nothing and know no one. They have just each other. Sometimes..." Gerard takes in a breath, "sometimes the boy comes out at night. He's still scared after all these years. Scared he isn't who his brother wanted. Scared he'll slip up and blow himself up somehow. Scared that no one actually likes him." Frank's hand finds his and squeezes it comfortingly.

"That part of me... he's— he's Gerard."

Frank lets out a breath he's been holding all this while. "Gee," he whispers, drawing himself closer, "can I call you Gee?" His voice is sweet and soft, and Gerard feels tears well up in his eyes again. Stupid emotions. He nods.

Frank lifts his hand from Gerard's and cradles his jaw, gently pulling his face up to make Gerard look him in the eyes. "Is that why you never let us call you Gerard? Were you always scared it'd bring up memories you'd never want to see again?"

Gerard nods and leans into Frank's touch. Frank lifts his other hand and cups Gerard's face with it. He's silent for a while, and Gerard realizes he wants an answer.

"I've— I've always struggled with not being the best," he admits. "I always felt I needed to do something great, be bigger than everyone else, show everyone I could lead them if I had to. But— I guess—"

"You've forgotten who you are," Frank completes, thumb gently stroking Gerard's left cheekbone. "You forgot all about the boy that lived inside you. You scared him off, didn't you? Suppressed him in Party Poison's wake."

Gerard is guilty. He can't bring himself to nod, but the tears in his eyes convey what he means to say.

"It's okay to not be Poison all the time, Gee," Frank sighs, closing his eyes. "No matter who you are, you're human too. Just like the rest of us. Haven't you ever seen me cry for things as stupid as not being able to shoot three cans in a row? Or when The Girl stubbed her toe on that stupid rock and I felt like the biggest failure in the world? Doesn't Jet cry when he can't load his gun properly sometimes?"

Gerard's heart sinks. "That's my fault."

"No, it's not," Frank says fiercely, surprising Gerard. "Jet— you had nothing to do with Jet losing his eyesight."

"If I hadn't—"

"If you hadn't intervened, Jet would have fucking _died_ ," Frank says, voice low and angry. "Would you want to have a dead body on your hands? Yeah, I don't think so either." His gaze softens.

"Gee. Listen to me. Don't be so harsh on yourself. I don't want to see you hate yourself."

Gerard shakes his head vehemently. "I don't... hate myself. I'm— I guess I'm just scared of being emotional when I'm Poison," he admits.

Frank moves his hand to Gerard's hair and tousles it. "No matter what you do, who you think you are, you're always going to be Gerard to us. We love you so fucking much. Don't keep your problems to yourself, okay? We're family above everything else. It's okay to cry if you need to."

Gerard gets a flash of one memory from the past. Two cans clinking. Some music playing from a shitty stereo they'd stolen from the last store on the road. And Frank grinning at him, eyes shining in the moonlight.

He wishes he could give Frank everything; Frank deserves the fucking world for what he's been through by Gerard's side.

Gerard may not have much, but he still has something he's never given anyone. His heart, which has belonged to Frank and only Frank ever since he laid eyes on him. He stands up on his feet, followed by Frank.

"I...I wanted to tell you something more," he says, tracing the scar on Frank's cheek with his finger.

Frank tilts his head. "Go on?"

This is it. This is going to be the final blow to the hardened shell of Party Poison. This is the making of Poison into a human again, letting Gerard come to the surface forever.

"I love you, Frank."

Frank's lips twitch into a small smile. "I love you too, Gee."

Gerard feels his heart clench. He doesn't love Frank that way. It's something more, something intense. Frank binds the shredded pieces of his heart together. Frank's smile lights up the soul he believes he doesn't have. Frank believes in him when no one does — even when he went off on a solo raid, nearly killing himself, Frank took his side. Frank is the one who makes him laugh when no one else can. Frank is his everything, he realizes. Frank has always been his everything.

"Not— not that way, Frankie." His stomach lurches as he realizes Frank may not like him back that way. What if this jeopardizes the friendship they have? What will he do with himself if Frank doesn't want him at all?

"I know," Frank's smile widens, and the next thing Gerard knows, a soft pair of lips press themselves to his. He brings his hands to the back of Frank's neck, while Frank wraps his hands around Gerard's waist. Gerard's eyes flutter shut at every feather soft touch that graces his lips. Frank's lips taste sweet, like cherry. Probably the cherry cola that Cherri Cola had dropped off on one of his visits to the diner.

Gerard tests his luck by daring to lick at Frank's lips, who lets Gerard in. Gerard lets out a surprised moan and delves deeper into the kiss. Frank presses himself against Gerard's chest, letting out small noises that drive Gerard crazy as he moves from Frank's lips to his cheeks, his nose, his forehead and finally back to his lips.

"I love you," he says once again, firmly, sure of himself. He's always loved Frank.

"I know you do," Frank says again, giggling and leaning up to peck his nose.

Gerard frowns. "What do you mean, you know? How—"

"Kobra. And Jet. They said you looked at me in a very different way, but I didn't believe them. Not until I saw it with my own eyes," he blushes, refusing to look at Gerard. Gerard cups his face this time.

"You— you liked me?"

Frank huffs. "Of course I did, Gee. Always. Even before all this shit happened."

Gerard swears his heart is soaring with one of those nameless birds in the desert sky. He moves his hands down to Frank's shoulders. "I. I've loved you forever, Frank. And I always will."

"And I'm going to love you till my last breath, Gerard. I promise."

Gerard brings Frank's hand to his lips, sealing his promise. Frank's eyes are glowing, and Gerard realizes a second later that he's crying. He wipes his tears away, laughing. Frank nudges his shoulder and kisses his cheek. "Let's get back, yeah?"

Hand in hand, they walk down to the diner, their home.

Home has a whole new meaning now. Gerard can't help but sneak a glance at Frank. His hair sways with the wind, and he's the most exquisite thing Gerard has ever seen. He's lucky to have Frank with him after all these years.

As they near the diner, Gerard squeezes Frank's hand. "You know what?" Frank shakes his head.

"I've always felt like Gerard when I'm around you. Thank you, Frankie." Frank's face reddens and he leans up to press a quick kiss to Gerard's lips. Turning around, he cups his hands to his mouth.

"Baby, you there?" They hear The Girl squeal excitedly. There's a bonfire burning bright in their backyard. They go to the back and see her in Jet's lap, huddled in blankets while Kobra seems to be telling them a joke.

Frank turns to Gerard. "She loves you too. I promise, we all do." Then he calls The Girl. "Hey, baby," he waves to the guys and takes her from Jet's lap with no effort. "Will you give Poison a hug for me?" The Girl nods, making grabby hands towards Gerard, who takes her into his arms with the slightest hint of hesitation. She presses her face to his neck and peppers it with kisses. "I love you," she says softly, tiny arms slinging around his neck. He feels an emotion welling up to his throat, threatening to burst out of his lips.

"I love you too, baby," he says, feeling himself cry again. But these are happy tears, and he's happy he can cry without hating himself for it. He pulls away and hides a kiss in her hair, setting her onto the ground.

"We're together," Frank grins, looping Gerard's arm with his, "Gerard and I."

Kobra's normally emotionless face takes on the slightest hint of shock. Jet's eyebrows look like they're going to disappear into his hair.  
"Gerard," Kobra says, like he's saying a curse word he's afraid of being scolded for saying.

"Gerard," Gerard confirms. "Not Poison. Not Party. I— I love you guys. So, yeah. Gerard."

"Well, come here," Ray says, getting up and pulling Gerard into a hug. Frank joins, and so does Mikey. Gerard feels The Girl cling to his leg, holding on tight. "Love you too, dude," Mikey whispers, Ray nodding.

Gerard has a family. They're all his, and he loves them to the universe and beyond. And he finally believes the fact that they love him too.

Later that night, Frank finds him sitting against the headrest of their bed and staring out of the window.

"Something happened?" He says, climbing in next to Gerard and resting his head on his lap.

"Hmm? Oh, no," Gerard smiles, looking at the sky that's blessed them with a full moon tonight. "Just prayed to The Phoenix Witch to keep you guys happy forever. I love you. Holy Destroya, I love _you_ ," he says fervently. Frank laughs at how happy Gerard is with the ease with which the words roll off his tongue. He leans up to press a kiss to his jaw.

“As much as I love hearing you say it, we need to sleep now. Why don’t you tell me how much you love me tomorrow morning, again?”

“I’d say it a hundred times if you wanted me to,” Gerard says, but Frank’s already fallen asleep. Smiling, he presses a kiss to Frank's brow and covers them both with a blanket.

He can't help but think Gerard from Battery City is finally proud of him today.

**Author's Note:**

> Talk to me about anything on [ tumblr ](https://my-chemical-graveyard.tumblr.com/)!


End file.
